Dramatis Personae
Leading Players
Quintus, the
Unlikely Hero, lives up to his epithet. At the
Pan-Hellenic School for Slaves, he majored in
Subordinance with a concentration in Pedagoguery.
Unfortunately, the latter was misinterpreted on
his resume, so he ended up the assistant
publicist for Necantio, Rome's favorite
gladiator. Due to his occupation, Quintus is
used to life behind the scenes. However, when
the Royal Soothsayer delivers a fateful edict,
Quintus is thrust into an adventure of epic
proportions and unrivaled convolution.
Calpurnia, the
Dowager Empress, assumed her royal title upon
marrying Emperor Tiberon. After Tiberon
died in a terrible dowaging accident, she
married the Royal Brother-in-Law, Vitalbus, by
senatorial decree (The Marriage Act of XLVII). Calpurnia is frightfully embarrassed by her name,
but, as the cost of changing her stationery is
prohibitively expensive, she has boosted her ego
by starting her own religion. Calpurnipalianism,
with its silent births and celebrity following,
has become quite the rage.
Necantio, the
Golden-Haired Gladiator, is the toast of Rome,
or would be if breakfast foods had yet been
invented. Advertised as the man with "locks of
gold, arms of oak, and fists of intestines," he
seems to have everything going for him.
Nevertheless, Necantio has a secret so terrible
it won't be revealed until the final chapters of
the game.
Sabilla, the
Seemingly Vacant Publicist, has managed
Necantio's public image ever since his first
appearance in the Coliseum, guiding him through
accusations of manslaughter, womanslaughter,
childslaughter, and Christianity. Like her
publicist ilk, she maintains a façade of
amicability at all times. However, she is known
for violently defending her clients, often with
crossbow.
Clea, the Royal
Soothsayer, has been blessed with the power of
predictive analysis (read: fortune telling). She
received this gift when she served Apollo the
best vegetable quiche he had ever tasted.
Unfortunately, the quiche gave the god terrible
heartburn, and since he couldn't unbestow the
power (cf. Cassandra v. The Board of Deities),
he placed the following curse upon her:
"Although you shall always be able to see the
future, no one will ever believe your taste in
clothing."
Vitalbus, the
Conspicuously Absent Emperor, never sought the
throne, instead preferring the simple life of a
grain accountant (Equities = Assets -
Grainabilties, Force = Mass × Grain). Driven to
royalty by the Marriage Act of XLVII, he has
reluctantly assumed the rights and
responsibilities of the emperorship and brought
with him a new understanding of wheat products.
Through his passionate discourse on grain, he
has been known to vanquish the consciousness of
all those within earshot. Fortunately, he does
not appear in The Judgment of Quintus, as
he was written out in an early draft.
Ensemble
Over fifty other characters inhabit our tale.
Although we're sure their mothers love them very
much, they are not important enough to warrant
further description here. |
