The Judgment of Quintus

 

Dramatis Personae

Leading Players

Quintus, the Unlikely Hero, lives up to his epithet. At the Pan-Hellenic School for Slaves, he majored in Subordinance with a concentration in Pedagoguery. Unfortunately, the latter was misinterpreted on his resume, so he ended up the assistant publicist for Necantio, Rome's favorite gladiator. Due to his occupation, Quintus is used to life behind the scenes. However, when the Royal Soothsayer delivers a fateful prophecy, Quintus is thrust into an adventure of epic proportions.

Calpurnia, the Dowager Empress, assumed her royal title upon marrying Emperor Gathalbus who died in a terrible dowaging accident. Calpurnia is frightfully embarrassed by her name, but, as the cost of changing her stationery is prohibitively expensive, she has boosted her ego by starting her own religion. Calpurnipalianism, with its silent births and celebrity following, has become quite the rage.

Necantio, the Golden-Haired Gladiator, is the toast of Rome, or would be if breakfast foods had yet been invented. Advertised as the man with "locks of gold, arms of oak, and fists of intestines," he seems to have everything going for him. Nevertheless, Necantio has a secret so terrible it won't be revealed until Book Five.

Sabilla, the Seemingly Vacant Publicist, has managed Necantio's public image ever since his first appearance in the Coliseum, guiding him through accusations of manslaughter, womanslaughter, childslaughter, and Christianity. Like her publicist ilk, she maintains a façade of amicability at all times. However, she is known for violently defending her clients, often with crossbow.

Clea, the Royal Soothsayer, has been blessed with the power of predictive analysis (read: fortune telling). She received this gift when she served Apollo the best vegetable quiche he had ever tasted. Unfortunately, the quiche gave the god terrible heartburn, and since he couldn't unbestow the power (cf. Cassandra v. The Board of Deities), he placed a terrible curse upon her.

Gathalbus, the Conspicuously Absent Emperor, never sought the throne, instead preferring the simple life of a grain accountant (Equities = Assets - Grainabilties, Force = Mass × Grain). Driven to royalty by the Marriage Act of XLVII, he has reluctantly assumed the rights and responsibilities of the emperorship and brought with him a new understanding of wheat products. Through his passionate discourse on grain, he has been known to stupefy all those within earshot. Fortunately, he does not appear in The Judgment of Quintus, as he was written out in an early draft.

Ensemble

Over a hundred characters inhabit our tale. Although we're sure their mothers love them very much, they are not important enough to warrant further description here.

 
 
 
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